~~~ Checking In ~~~

In case anyone is still reading this: no, I'm still alive, still trannying, and still as busy as anything. Cute Girlfriend is moving in with me in a couple of weeks, despite all efforts of various malicious people to the contrary. Which is really funny: all the venom that was aimed at us has just driven us a lot closer together, a lot faster than expected. It Just Goes To Show, doesn't it?

The trannying is still evolving. Besides involving CG, I find that standard tranny locations no longer appeal. I'm no longer trying to hide in a group of trannies; I can go into a GBLT place and Just Be Me. It's more fun: more real. And a lot closer, too - driving into and out of London is a bit of a pain, whereas there's a lovely lesbian bar just down the road.

I've been toying with a lot of ideas, too. The "why tranny?" question is still an obsession, the previous answer has too many holes in it. The "sexual satisfaction" idea has gained ground (though it's sublimated), but it's only a part of the big answer. I'm finding that what I like wearing changes as my understanding changes - which sort of suggests that I'm discovering more about myself, rather than why trannies tranny. Buh!

I'm also pushing my luck with appearance. Eyebrows are nicely shaped, fingernail lengths at time must be very suspicious to my colleagues. I can sense my subconcious pushing my luck - I think it's trying to "out" me, but my colleagues are all too well-behaved to make any comment.

So, I'm building up some more material to blog about, so check back every now and then. If you have the time.

Ciao! Gemma xxx

~~~ Finding A New Level ~~~

This is so peculiar, but I feel I have to apologise for being inattentive to you. I know that someone reads these posts, as there are the comments, so it behooves me to behave with courtesy. It is, of course, all the fault of meeting up with Cute Girl. But first some messages.

Friends
It is infinite sadness when someone you care about seeks to hurt you. Bye, hon - I won't write again.

Timelines
Odd person who wishes ill to Cute Girlfriend: check the dates carefully. CG first makes her appearance in the blog of the 11th January. There is no mention at all of her in previous posts. You are a very troubled individual, and I suggest you seek some form of therapy.

Back to the regular programme
I do apologise for that, gentle reader - a way of getting a message across to two people who only seem to have malice in their hearts. CG and I have been getting along rather well, but that seems to have upset some folks who, rather than be pleased for us, only wish illness and bad things. Such is the way of the world.

Now: I was having some trouble working out how to balance the trannying side with CG. Trannying is a very selfish activity; how could I reconcile it with making CG feel good? Eventually it dawned on even this dimmest of trannies: do what the girls do! (doh!). Girls dress nicely to (amongst other things) please their boyfriends (yes, I know - just bear with me, right?). I've found that I can do the same for CG, when we're out: she gets pleasure from being in the company of someone who's tried hard for her. Does that seem peculiar to you? It does to me! Back to the selfishness thing once again: we usually dress to please ourselves. Okay, it's not like I've dramatically changed my style or anything. But the motivations behind it have altered, and that once again makes trannying an Okay Thing to do.

But, I find that nowadays I have very little time to spend on the net, hence the drying up of the blog. You may want to check in very intermittently from now on; I can't promise to have written or done anything of much note. I'm going out to fewer clubs, and spending far less time on the counselling too. One wonders if CGs are worth it all! (don't even bother to answer that one ;) ).

It's been fun writing this, and I've enjoyed everyone's comments too. Thanks for bearing with me, and see you around sometime in the future!

Hugs; Gemma xxx

~~~ Stereotypes ~~~

"I've seen the enemy, and he is me". Or something like that.

Recently, I've been dating a very cute (genetic) girl, though this blog isn't about her. She met me as Gemma, then as my male side, and seems to be okay with both. Before meeting with her, I could do whatever I liked about dressing up. Being Gemma obviously isn't a problem for her either, so still no pressure on me.

So why do my thoughts continually slip into an "anti-tranny" mould?

Before, I would slip into something more comfortable in the evening, or not have a problem going out. Now, it's as though that tranny side of me is slightly embarrasing. I've been trying to work it out, and it's quite illuminating because as it's nothing to do with external pressures, it's all to do with my own mental model of the world; the stereotypes or roles I can possibly adopt. And being a tranny with a cute girlfriend isn't one of them.

From what I understand, as we grow up we observe the world, and build these ideas of possible roles: mother, father, friend, colleague, and so on. And importantly, male and female. They're formed in the first seven years, and are "imprinting" - done at the emotional, not the cognitive, level, and as such are bloody hard to shift. They're ruts in the roadway of our minds, and deep ruts at that.

So - while I was by myself, I could experiment in an area of my mind where there were no ruts. The moment cute girl (CG) came on the scene, I'm in an area where my behaviour has a set of ruts to follow, and it's doing so. Standard male behaviour is coming out, much to Gemma's anguish. I can counter by doing some extravagantly tranny things to drag myself back into that virgin area where I played before, but that ends up distorting the landscape. Much though I like CG (and I'm not letting her go), I'm really missing the carefree, halycon days of yore. I know that if I can overcome the ruts, then CG won't have any issues at all with Gemma expressing herself. In fact, we may even be heading into problems as Gemma is far less in evidence these days because of all the ruts about, and Gemma was one of the things that attracted her to me.

Given all that angst, I considered some friends who have been in this relationship thing from the other side: got married, then started doing their trannying in secret. How much harder for them! No wonder the guilt and anguish: they're living in a world of ruts, have to balance precariously in the small, rut-free areas, and have to constantly struggle to not fall back in. The pressures on them must be incredible. No wonder trannies are confused: their minds are tearing them apart with two irresistable forces: the desire to dress, but the pre-established behaviour patterns not to.

I was chatting with a friend about "Little Britain", and whether the "Ladies" were good or bad (she thought bad, I thought good). I'm even more convinved they're good. Sure, they're laughable. But they're creating a tranny rut in everyone's mind. Those ruts will eventually change, moving from the silly area to part of normal life, just as the emergence of a "gay" rut has changed to something normal or acceptable in our lifetimes. And there's the rub: once those ruts are laid down, they don't change easily, and once you're out of childhood there are so many ruts about in your mind it's hard to create new ones without falling into an existing set of tracks - just look at how a tranny is assumed to be gay; it's the nearest rut the unwashed masses have to think about us in.

So, I don't think we'll get acceptance in our lifetimes, as frankly there's no hope for the older generation. It's the under-sevens who will be the ones who grow up with trannies an everyday item in their mental toolkit, and our role should be to put out a stereotype of the TG community that is positive, vibrant and fun. Not sexual deviants or sad, lonely or confused people.

So go on. Get out and start rutting.

~~~ The Cat and the TS ~~~

There are hidden dangers to all aspects of the transgendered world. Here's one recounted to be by a friend, and one they never tell you about in the clinics.

My (TS) friend was performing her regular dilation exercises, one of which was exercising the resculpted muscles using a dilator. She'd applied the KY jelly, inserted the dilator, and was squeezing away. Unfortunately, she squeezed too hard, and the dilator shot out. Shot out the short distance to the cat, quietly resting in front of the television, and catching it a nasty knock on the head.

Leaping up up to rush to the stunned moggie's aid, she unfortunately stomped onto the open tube of KY jelly. This squirted out over the carpet, the television, and (predictably) the now-unconscious cat.

Apparently the mess took ages to clean up. The carpet still has odd-looking stains on it, the television is very gunky in places, and the cat won't come anywhere near my TS friend.

~~~ The Plight of the Phoenix Tranny ~~~

Currently, there's a move to change what the number-one Google rating for transvestite is, away from Trans(hrrch-spit)formation to Wikipedia. Like many t-girls, I've bought some complete and utter shite from there when first starting out, and so feel very negative about that company. I feel that it preys on fledgeling trannies, but would welcome any comments the owner of the company would care to make.

But, I think we're sort of shooting at the wrong target here, and the company's owner will be laughing at us, or (even worse) not even caring, because it's not about Google Ratings, it's about the psychology of the customer.

Let's look at exactly the sort of person who goes to Trans(hrrch-spit)formation. They'll be adult, and still exploring the whole transgendered thing. In this day and age they almost certainly have access to the Internet (it's an underlying assumption of the Google-bomb campaign). So for weeks, months or years they will probably have been browsing the Internet, reading everything out there and have a good idea of what's on the scene. It's irrelevant where the Trans-entry actually is; sooner or later they'll stumble across it.

So why do they go to Transformation? It's simple: minimising stress. Maybe you can remember, gentle reader, when you first when into a high-street store to buy a pretty skirt you liked - the damp palms, the beating heart, the slightly sick feeling? It takes a lot of getting used to. New trannies cannot cope with doing a whole load of shopping to get all the basics, no matter how hard we rant. However, according to the advertising, with a single visit you can be transformed from a guy into a girl at the Trans-place. We know that's not true, but it is so very appealing to the aspiring tranny, who wants so badly to become a girl but can't face the high-street stress. And that's how Trans(hrrch-spit)formation can afford the huge markup and shoddy goods: what they are selling is not the goods, but the tranny experience without the stress.

So all of our efforts are at the wrong target. If we really want to make a difference, we need to help fledgeling trannies achieve trannyhood without the stress. I've been thinking of ideas for this, but would welcome more or any feedback.

1. Build a decent Tranny Wiki site that has "recipies" for things the newbie tranny can do. Proven, cost-effective, helpful things. I've been trying to do this, but sadly my own trannying activities have got in the way (lesson #3: becoming a tranny will magnify your social activities out of all proportion). If anyone has time and feels like they want to get www.trannypedia.[co.uk|com|org|org.uk] online, write to me. I'm nearly there, just need to arrange a hosting service and post up the code. I'll pay for it; the domains are mine for the next two years, and I'm happy to maintain it as a public tranny service on an ongoing basis.
   
2. Run our own mail-order company, probably following the recipies above. Let's face it: the basics of trannying are VERY basic, and very predictable. We could do a damn site better by ourselves, can cater for different levels of privacy, and could get all newbie trannies de facto members of places like Angels, Roses etc.
   
3. Find someone who nearly provides the service we'd like to see, and liase with them. If it earns them more money, they won't complain at all the unpaid advertising and help they're getting.
   

There's more. A lot more. For all our bitching, we're a cohesive social group with a lot of talent - managers, IT staff and so on (and counsellors, she says, banging her own gong). Harnessing that T-force would be something special, wouldn't it? We could bring new t-girls into the community who aren't screwed up with guilt, who have a lot of very positive role-models, who know what they're getting into and know where they can turn to for help - if we want to create a better image for trannies in society, then that would be a very good base to start from.

Something to think over for the next week or so, at least.

~~~ Trannies - the universal medium ~~~

This is rather a good blog title, if I say so myself. Did you spot the references to: alchemy? spirituality? cross-barrier communication? communication in general? the middle point? the thing that lies between all else? Not forgetting: the not particularly good at anything. I had a rather eventful New Year, gentle reader, and feel the need to blog about it.

The Plot

The Three Tranny Witches (Gemma, Denise and Crystal) go to Manchester, one flying in a day later (broomstick troubles). Much partying is done. They then go home.

Day One

Even in Manchester's Village there were still oiks who wondered about the bloke in the dress. Which chuffed/irritated the TS in the party, who irrationally wanted to ask "Hey, what about me?". Foolish girl! One of our party got very irate with them, and the TGs in the party had to explain to her that idiots like this "win" when you react negatively and shout back at them. Be dignified or sneaky: ignore them, or go and flirt/talk/communicate with them. Their little brains can't handle that.

Dancing in a lesbian bar, it came to me: trannies cover all bases, don't they? Hetero men, gay men, hetero women, lesbian women, and other trannies. We appeal to all market sectors; we're (hopefully) cute and harmless. Have you been hit on by all genders yet? (you may guess I did the mental equivalent of "Bingo" this evening).

However, rudely bought down to earth when a friend got very upset, and I couldn't talk her out of it. Arrogantly, I thought I could talk to anyone, so a well-deserved lesson was learnt freezing my bits off outside Manchester Coach Station. She ended up safe, I ended up very cold, and very chastened. As for the little shite who punched her in the nose: your days are numbered, my friend, and you are so lucky I was in 4" heels that evening and couldn't catch up with you (the site of a macho guy running for his life from a long-legged tranny must have been amusing for onlookers, though). It is a little known fact that many trannies, before coming out, are in hyper-masculine roles as a form of denial. Two of our TG party have served time in the army; one is a crack shot and martial arts expert. Don't mess with a tranny if you know what is good for you.

Day Two - New Year's Eve

Napoleon's Bar in the Village has the tranny equivalent of a wasp trap. A small dance room which is walled with mirrors; watch the trannies drift in there, then get ensnared watching themselves dance, and dance, and dance. It's evil; fortunately so many trannies got trapped that they could no longer spot their reflections, came to their senses, and made a break for the exit. Go there and see for yourself. But bring a blindfold.

A tranny is the perfect universal communicator. We don't pose a threat to anyone but ourselves, and so can talk to people without any fears on their behalf about what our hidden agenda is. From 9pm to 3am I was either talking or dancing, or both, and people listened and talked to me, sometimes about very personal or intimate things. Some messages in case anyone passes by and recognises the hyper-tall tranny in the short red dress who listened, cared, and maybe predicted your future (more on this later):

• To the cute gay guy - you really were cute!
  
• To his tall friend (not partner): I don't understand your relationship, but you were cute too!
  
• To his partner: I admire you; I personally would be insanely jealous, yet you're keeping it all together.
  
• To the sad asian girl: please, use the number I gave you and get in touch. It will improve.
  
• To the gorgeous blonde in the red dress: the look you have achieved is incredible, especially given your past. This tranny salutes you, and would like you to know that all the other trannies were wide-eyed with awe at you too.
  
• To the white witch: give over; you're a red witch, and you haven't contacted me yet!
  
• To Jess, you're lovely; that sailor dress made you even cuter than the cute gay guy. Never let anyone tell you different; no matter what your background, you yourself are amazing, so be honest and proud in who you are.
  
• To Rachel: you gift will turn out to be something marvellous, amazing, and possibly a bit scary! Use it wisely.
  

To all the other people who shared in those six hours, all I can say is that I've never had a better time in my life. Wowser. I need a rewind button!

Now: we all know that trannying opens the feminine side of your nature. And I do Tarot Card readings, and they seem to help the people I do them for, but I've always thought it worked from a counselling/psychological point of view: nothing mystical about it at all (I thought). But could trannying account for me, halfway through the evening, beginning to sense fragments of someone's future, and share this with them? Good fragments, I hope - positive paths they could go down. Not rubbish either: too many times a fairly specific prediction was confirmed back as a choice they had and weren't sure of, or were denying. I must admit, this now has me fairly spooked. And interested, too; the following day I tried to reconnect to that feeling while doing a Tarot Reading for a friend. Well, wherever the insights came from, they seemed to mean a lot for the friend, and I'll not begrudge them although they moved both of us nearly to tears. I now just have to work on how to re-open myself to what was being shared with me.

Gypsy Rose Gemma indeed. Someone pass me a headscarf; I'll supply my own hoopy earrings and crystal ball.

Oh, and alchemy? Well, mix liquids and strange chemicals, and you can get some very odd results. It's the beginning of chemistry, but is very unscientific. Anyway, the universal medium dissolves everything. Pretty much like alcohol, I suppose.

~~~ Review of 2005 ~~~

At this time of year it seems that writing lists is The Thing To Do. I like them; they're psychologically healthy as they promote "closure" on subjects, allowing you to move on to the next thing. Sometimes, we need to feel all the loose ends have been cleared away, or at least catalogued, which is the next best thing. They also allow you to see progress, which is reassuring and uplifting. And it bores people in a whole new way. So here are my closing thoughts on 2005, in the middle of the mad whirlwind that is this year's Christmas and the New Year.

On Transgenderism:

• Have I reached the "gah! stop thinking it over!" stage yet? Probably not!
  
• I like my current theory. Humans are programmed to align their behaviour with social groups. Gender isn't binary, but has two vectors, male and female, which vary in strength (but interfere with each other). TGs have a strong other-sex vector, causing the group behaviour to kick in and e.g. pretty dresses to be worn as an expression of that drive to conform to the group.
  
• so, it's a drive, not a fetish (though it can be made fetishy - furs, heels, etc)
  
• the drive has different levels of intensity, maybe leading to the CD/TV/TS divides.
  
• some TG's add a cognitive layer of complexity to things, obsessing about dressing. See a therapist!
  
• TG are very social, but only really in a TG context. Who else understands? Ghetto mentality.
  
• CDs and TVs can be very promiscuous - but more so than other social groups e.g. the gay community? Not sure.
  
• Is it a perversion? Should we repress it for the betterment of society? Trannying can be very destructive to ourselves and our relationships with others. Tentative conclusion is that it is a perversion, but only because society has wrong values - we're fighting the same battle as the gay community did in the last half century. Change the world, not your dress sense!
  

On Blogging:

• everyone loves their 15 minutes of fame. We get to stand up and tell the world what we're thinking, and nobody yawns (that we can see).
  
• it's therapeutic.
  
• doing it in an entertaining manner is hard.
  
• keeping up with everyone else's blogs can be very time consuming.
  

On personal change:

• New Year's day 2005 I was a boy.
  
• Februrary saw Gemma first appear. "Ugly" doesn't begin to describe it.
  
• April saw Gemma's first footsteps into the outside world, and her first experience was: getting chatted up outside a pub. Also first outing to Transmission. Also first falling down stairs in heels.
  
• July I started getting IPL treatments for unwanted body and facial hair.
  
• August saw the first Purge, with a six-week "crap tranny" phase bought on by illness. Also the start of this blog.
  
• September was the start of a new career (counselling). Only 3.5 more years to go!
  
• November was an epiphany: the emotional acceptance of who I had become, after my first major solo flight from home (Transpocalypse). Also the first suggestion that I might be TS.
  
• December I started being "me" for days on end: four days at the start of December, then (hopefully) 9 days in the Christmas week.
  
• New Year's Day 2006, I'll be a girl. Or at least, a tranny in a pretty dress - even better!
  

On (maybe) being TS:

• I need to apologise more about banging on about this. But you'll understand - personal issues don't really get any bigger than this. It needs a lot of banging. Fnarr Fnarr.
  
• My subconcious isn't raising any screams of alarm over the subject
  
• But neither is it saying "yes, this is right".
  
• No fantasies either about being morphically female, but there are ones about being full-time Femme.
  
• Conclusion: not TS. Yet. Just a fun concept to play with. Are there in-between states, e.g. permanently pre-op TS?
  

But thinking about this: how many other TGs are in the same situation as me? Where the conviction isn't strong enough to go for gender-reassignment surgury, but is enough to boot you out of the masculine rut into ... ah, that's the problem, isn't it? Into what?

On the Tranny Fashionista thing:

• Women's fashions are fun!
  
• Any excuse to buy more clothes :D
  
• This isn't a normally seen aspect of trannying. Am I weird?
  
• It's a positive thing: it encourages greater appearance awareness and so to being a better tranny.
  

Resolutions:

• to write fewer e-mails. It takes *ages* to keep up!
  
• to wear other eyeshadow colours than brown and golds! (but: an RG friend says she doesn't do other shades either)
  
• to buy and wear more dresses
  
• to investigate social cohesion in other subgroups
  
• to read up much, much more on the whole TG world
  
• to be a tranny fashionista
  

So, I wave goodbye with fondness to 2005, one packed with fun, interesting and good memories. But - hello, 2006, here we come!